“I WAS COVERING UP TRAUMA AND BUILDING A FACADE”

As I approach my 20-year Ripon College reunion, I challenged myself to explore why the idea of attending suddenly makes me feel nauseous. Why does something that seemed so important to me a couple years after graduation now make me want to run the other way? When the letters come in the mail, why does my hand shake as I toss it into the trash?

Upon graduating, I said that my college years at Ripon were the greatest of my life. I told people I made friends for life. I had no regrets. The truth is, I was covering up trauma and building a facade so people wouldn’t know how I truly felt.

I have a 12 year old daughter now, and she is doing regular middle school things like attending dances and keeping her crush a secret from her parents. It is the first year I’ve experienced real anxiety over her choices and questioned whether I’ve instilled in her strong values. I wasn’t thinking about her future career or her friend circle. I was worried about alcohol and rape.

When I was in college, I made poor choices. This ultimately resulted in me not calling out predators or rapists for what they were. I was a bad example for younger girls that I could have helped, and I failed to be honest with other women who I could have gotten to know better if I hadn’t covered up my feelings. I’m hopeful that I can make up for this with my daughter and that she has friendships filled with caring and loving people who look out for her best interests rather than pressuring her to be the fun one.

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, roughly 1 in 5 women (approximately 20%–26%) are victims of completed or attempted sexual assault during their time in college. Some studies say it’s 1 in 3. The Department of Justice (DOJ) found 80% of female student victims do not report the act to law enforcement. Studies have indicated that students in fraternities are more likely to perpetrate sexual assault than non-fraternity men, and male athletes in contact sports may be at higher risk of committing assault.

I never considered myself a statistic, and I avoided reflecting during the me-too movement. But I checked all of the boxes. I felt like what happened to me was my fault, because I chose to put myself in risky situations.

I like to hope that the college environment at Ripon has changed. But I don’t know if that’s true. I’m not sure if sharing my story will help anyone, but it is overdue. Here’s a short list of things that happened that I considered part of the “college experience,” that I now consider part of the “college scam:”.

• As a scrawny, 18-year-old freshman in my first week of college, I was naive and instantly targeted by a senior who everyone—from my RA to my roommate—adored. When I realized his interest involved strange fetishes, I kept quiet. – I laughed ‘with’ others who told stories of their hook ups gone wrong instead of saying ‘I’m sorry, I know that’s not who you really are.’
• I initiated younger girls in the culture of drinking on campus. Sometimes I walked them home and made sure they were safe, but not every time.
• I had a brief relationship with a football player with a notorious reputation—what began as consensual quickly turned into violent rape. I told no one, leaving me with the crushing weight of wondering if speaking up could have protected others, either at my school or girls in his future.
• I assured younger girls that certain people were ‘nice guys’ or ‘safe’ because they were part of some in-crowd my friends and I approved of, rather than addressing the actions these guys were taking that were NOT nice.
• A ‘safe’ male friend waited until I was too intoxicated to walk, before he revealed his ‘open relationship’ status with his long-term girlfriend. When I refused his advances, he continued to gratify himself in front of me. Even then, when another girl exposed him, I only offered her quiet support instead of adding my own voice to hers.
• I personally wrote a grant to bring a speaker to Ripon College to educate on date rape and sexual assault, but I failed to share my own story and continued to participate in a culture that covered it up.

I’m responsible for my own actions and complicit in allowing rape culture to go unaddressed, as well as for participating in and promoting a culture of drinking to excess in order to have fun at parties. But I know that I wasn’t alone in thinking some of the behavior was par for the course, and that’s something that must change. To the administration, promoting safety is more than posting a number on a website. It includes promoting discussion and adding mandatory, robust prevention training that goes beyond clicking “next” on a slide show.

– Pamela Mazurak Walsh, Class of 2006